Having recently viewed the cinematic wonder Slumdog Millionaire, I was inspired to travel once again to the jewel of the empire, India, even though I had long regarded that sad subcontinent as an overcrowded refuse pile.
Is it a coincidence that on a map it appears to be some sort of malformed unitary testicle?
Still I was charmed by that delightful little film and I made haste for Calcutta at once.
Of course I instantly regretted taking such a spontaneous sojourn as my luggage was stolen mere moments after disembarking.
It was incredibly vexing and I sought solace and succor in the usual place, the arms and legs of a strumpet.
However for once my fondness for whores betrayed me as instead of raising my spirits the little tart gave me Aids.
That was rather annoying I can attest as the brothel keeper had assured me on the life of Shiva that the girl he sent to my room was a virgin.
I banged the little bell on his desk til he appeared and demanded an explanation. "What is the meaning of this! Did I not pay an extra 10 rupees for a virgin? Do I not now have Aids?"
He insisted she was in fact a virgin and suggested that her Aids may have come from her drug habit.
What a revolting development! To think that I sullied myself by sleeping with a moral degenerate who would befoul her lovely lithe body with illegal narcotics!
I returned to my room and immersed myself in laudanum in order to dispel my rage, but alas my fury could not be bound!
To exact revenge I strode out into the streets knickers free and raped the first cow I could get my hands on. This caused quite an uproar among the populace and I dare say their mood was not helped much when I lit the Indian flag on fire as I buggered that rather listless animal in the shadow of the Taj Mahal.
As the constabulary tore me from the beast it was revealed that I had been using a condom, a gesture of class I was sure would temper the anger of the mob.
"Do you see people? I did not wish to give this beast my Aids. I sought only to exert my frustrations out as a result of the foul way in which this grotesque nation has treated me."
The mob were not reasonable, and I was bludgeoned, telling myself before losing consciousness never to vacation in India again.
