After smashing a snifter of brandy into the skull of my servant, the liquor splashed back and soiled my favorite smoking jacket. Not only was the silk stained, but the rather pungent brandy overpowered the scent of the Thai whore who had last worn my treasured garment, during my sojourn in Malaysia. My eyes crinkle with mirth when I recall how after a nice bath in coconut milk she would wrap herself in my silk jacket so as to entrap the milk from "balls of the tree" in her skin. What a little minx she was! Her subsequent trampling by an elephant in Jakarta was most unfortunate.
I digress, with my servant unconscious I had no recourse but to obtain a new silk jacket myself, but, having no faith in the charlatans on Saville Row, or the degraded Chinaman who toiled in London's slums for a fistful of rice, I resolved to travel to the Orient in person in order to obtain a proper measure of the finest silk.
After the usual trials going round Cape Horn, and my standard bout of debauchery in Polynesia, my ship took port in Yokohama, where I met a deliciously ripe concubine of tightness rare, who also spoke no English. What a spectacular find indeed!
Our love was deep and pure, but I was forced to depart, for Japan simply did not have the technology to make a proper wheat biscuit, and my teas were suffering greatly. As we said our goodbyes, or should I say grunted, as she spoke not a word of any language I could remotely understand, she passed me a note, which was in Japanese, which I could not read. I wiped my mouth with it as some fish oil had dribbled on my jowl during our last repast.
It was then I realized that a strong chance existed that I would never see her again, and a mere note was not a sufficient memento. "My dear, whatever that note said, I'm sure it was lovely, but I dare say it won't last the trip...the Horn is a vicious beast, and the danger that my ship and all it carries will be lost forever is great. I must insist you give me something to remember you that will stay with always. Even if I find my ship wrecked and my body dashed naked onto some lonely desert isle."
She looked at me without comprehension, and merely burped, which caused her to chortle and made her breasts jiggle merrily. I turned to her master who had sat silently by during our entire tryst, making tea for us and changing the sheets. How a few gold pieces do placate even the sternest samurai!
"I say Tiger!" He looked up from his soup as I addressed him. "I am having trouble communicating with your girl. I wish to take with me an everlasting memento of our love. One that will survive whatever tempest or brigand I shall encounter on my journey home. Could you instruct her to give me a venereal disease good fellow? I'm assuming a ripe tramp such as her has several."
He nodded, and immediately threw the sheepskin prophylactics he had assembled for our trysts into the fire.
I turned back to Nariko..."My sweet. Each morning as the sun alights on my face and warms my skin I want to feel the warmth of your remembrance as I void. When my member burns like fire, my heart too will leap with the flames of love. Come give me your..." I turned to her master..."syphilis? I am rather pressed for time...is there a possibility of acquiring all of her venereal maladies in one go?"
It was then that she passed out, having gorged herself on coconut milk and come down with a rather terrible bout of indigestion. Her master suggested I take advantage of her while unconscious, as she was less likely to scratch, but her vomit did reek so, and I was impelled to venture outdoors where the air was fresher.
