Uncle Wiggly

Greetings all! I must say I do feel invigorated of late, what with it being at least a fortnight since I have been stabbed, shot, or contracted a venereal disease. When I feel so uplifted I long to take flight, literally, and so I hop aboard my zeppelin, Der Albatross, and sail through the skies destined for wherever wind and whimsy see fit to put me down! I dare say it is a most congenial mode of travelling, and I highly recommend it to all those wealthy enough to indulge.

Of course that rules out about 6 billion of my planet's fellow inhabitants, but of course I have never given those putrid masses much thought in any event, save for the young and nubile. I will admit however a smidgen of admiration for a pilot who lowered himself, figuratively and literally, to the level of the pauper, and deigned to give them sweets. He flew a plane during the Berlin Airlift, that massive undertaking that brought food and fuel to those German bastards trapped behind the mighty iron curtain of those communist rogues, the Soviets. When this fine fellow, who went by the name of Gail, which I dare say is a rather feminine name for a pilot, but I digress, saw the little German urchins barefoot, starving and wearing only tattered rags, he was moved to give them gum and chocolate.

Soon people the world over were willing to overlook his flagrant disregard for their dental health, and applauded his humanity, and the cuteness of the little parachutes he fashioned, which he would throw out of his plane, and the children would jump about and watch the candy laden chutes fall to the bombed out earth. What a jolly good show!

Did you know those little German imps dubbed him the Schokoladen Flieger, (chocolate flyer), or Onkel Wackelflugel, (Uncle Wiggly Wings)? They did! What? Do you think I would lie to you dear reader? Do you think I would concoct falsehoods? You should be ashamed to even entertain such nefarious thoughts!

In fact, I was so inspired by his generous works, that I decided to undertake a similar...undertaking, for lack of a better word, through the use of my zeppelin. Of course, as a Somerset is never unoriginal, I couldn't sail my blimp over impoverished or war torn lands and toss candy, and so I needed to conjure up some other way in which to deliver joy and happiness to the downtrodden and hopeless.

Inspiration was not far, for I recalled that I had named my zeppelin after the albatross, a bird which can fly and glide thousands of miles across the globe without landing! Sometimes, after spanning oceans and continents it will only touch ground in order to copulate. I was thus doubly inspired. Could I bring joy to the world with my zeppelin and the example of the albatross?

Indonesia would find out! As I brought my vessel low over the jungles the natives jumped and danced about, just as those German brats undoubtedly did when they got a whiff of chocolate and other sweets. Could these natives girls smell the Somerset musk coming at them from the heavens?

Many fled into the trees, no doubt frightened witless by this strange floating monstrosity, but the curious stayed, or at least the one young lady who was tied to a post in the center of the village apparently as some sort of sacrifice to the floating god descending from the sky.

Thankfully these unwashed heathen had left a rather tasty young morsel for me, and had I spoken their language I would have thanked them profusely. Here I thought I would be the one dispensing the treat of my manhood, and these kindly savages were returning my kindness with...zounds! I have scalded myself with my tea! I shall relay the rest of my tale at another time. Know now that Priva was only too happy to learn that I did not land to murder and devour her, but merely to copulate and whisk her aboard my zeppelin, where I must admit she became a most energetic first mate.