What with these modern times being so chock full of stupidity, I thought it wise to venture back into the ancient world to see if I could glean a measure of cleverness or two, and what better man to ask then Moses, the old Jew. As you have undoubtedly surmised already, he was not at all shocked at the sight of my time machine landing at his weary feet, what with him being used to Jehovah himself delivering tablets and bushes afire at all hours of the day.
"What say you Moses!" I bellowed as I slapped him on his back in the spirit of good fellowship. "I see I have found you in the midst of leading your "chosen" people out of Egypt and to the "Promised Land"!"
He stared at me in silence and munched on a date. No doubt his harrowing journey had left him famished, and so I pardoned his rudeness.
"Tell me Moses", I drew him close with a wink and whispered, "taking the scenic route are we?" I punched his elbow. "I have an atlas in my coat, and I think we both know it doesn't take one 40 years to go from Egypt to Israel. Why there is not much to see along the way in any event!"
He did not return my laugh but merely stroked his beard, which I am sad to say seemed to be teeming with lice or other such vermin.
"What's your angle old boy? This meandering journey of yours has had me flummoxed for centuries...and I dare say I don't know why you've settled on Israel. Rather horrid place don't you think? Full of sand and other nastiness. Are you not aware of Tahiti?"
Moses tried to push past me, but I have a stout bearing, as you are undoubtedly aware from reading of my travels past.
"How dare you! There shall be no shoving of Somerset, friend of Yahweh or not! Now be polite and answer me. I'm merely trying to deduce why the great Jehovah, your champion, the man who loves you and what not, would give you Israel as a chosen land, and leave a veritable paradise like Hawaii up for grabs?"
He nudged me with his staff.
"You're a bold one Moses! But you will find I am not so easy to part as that Red Sea! Are you not man enough to answer a query or two? It simply does not seem sensible that God, when dispensing land to his chosen people, would give them a tiny strip of dirt in the middle of a war torn section of sand, when there exists isles abundant with verdure and brown girls who love to lay with men and feed them coconuts and other such sweetness."
He stared into my eyes with a look of profound fatigue. I glanced to his right..."I say Mo, is that a golden calf?"
His head whirled round and I guffawed. "Ho ho! Just a jest my good fellow. But do tell me, why would Jehovah have a chosen people at all? I'm not one to question the divine and infallible creator, but the idea of manufacturing a chosen people, and then creating millions more, lesser, not so loved people, seems positively daft. It is like going to the brothel, where your favorite whore awaits, but choosing instead to spend time with some lesser strumpet. Why not lay content with your one true harlot? Would you not agree?"
The venerable leader of the Hebrew sighed mightily, and it then dawned on me that there were no facilities nearby.
"I say! I completely understand your exasperation. It must be difficult to tend to your delicate business under these conditions."
He muttered something in Hebrew, and it was then I remembered that he spoke no English, and probably mistook me for an angel speaking some heavenly tongue, or some pagan god.
I rested my hand on his shoulder as if I sympathized with his plight. "I shall delay you no more old man. Continue on your way, I have no doubts all will turn out well with your people in their new home."
Of course I bit my lip when I said the last, and it took all of my will to stifle the chortle that emanated from deep within me, and longed to expel itself in his wizened face.
The sun was hot and I was weary of debating with such an obstinate fellow. I looked about me, holding my breath so as to avoid Moses' stench, and there, beneath the shade of a small cluster of trees, was a smoldering young Jewess, bathing herself in an oasis. I pushed past the old man and headed towards her, and by the golden glint in her eye I could tell that she was rather enchanted with my linen suit.
After some trivial exchange of pleasantries she soon lead me to her tent, and I assure you I wasted no time in reaching her promised land! Ho ho!
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