I'm in Beijing for the Olympiad and I must say I'm greatly impressed with the Chinese! So rare to find a state that will go to such lengths to impress, and have the fortitude to use their nation's little girls to serve the needs of the country at large. Jehovah knows the failure to do so is what cost Britain its empire. Those buffoons in parliament and charlatans in Windsor Castle always lacked the mettle to use little British girls in order to win medals and impress foreigners. Of course we always did lead the way in oppressing people in distant lands, and China will need to rack up quite a few more Tibets before they can match our peerless record of international rape, pillage and murder!
I digress. The opening ceremony was such a splendid affair, and that was before I found out that members of the Chinese politburo, and the undoubtedly homosexual head of music for the ceremony, decided that the 9 year old slated to sing "Ode to the Motherland" at the ceremony was too hideous to be seen. Kudos to you Chinee! I can imagine their fear. Thinking of that little girl singing while hundreds of millions watched around the world...wondering if there was a family in Guatemala thinking, "Gross, look at that ugly Chinese girl singing. I'm turning off the Olympics and I hate China."
Or perhaps an old man in Oslo tuning in for a moment, "I say! Is that what passes for attractive among singing Chinese 9 year olds? She is repulsive. I will no longer watch the Olympics and I hate China."
Understandably they could not allow such worldwide disdain to take place, and so they found a delightful looking little girl who they pressured to lip sync. Of course pressure may be too strong a word, though everyone knows just how temperamental young imps can be! I trust they had a big boxful of sweets for her when they told her she would have to pretend to sing in front of millions, and don't you go telling everyone our little state secret precious!
I dare say I'm most glad I'm not the bureaucrat who had to break the news to the unappealing little girl. "You're too ugly to be seen. We'll be using your voice on a prettier girls face. Never tell anyone. Be thankful you can help the state."
I'm sure the little tyke will bear with such news well, and as for the bureaucrats who concocted the brilliant scheme, let's hope they all get an extra bonus this Christmas, though I don't think those heathens even celebrate the birth of Christ, the rascals.
Just when I was finished basking in the glow of the cynical use of little girls for the greater glory of the government I happened to notice this little sprite of a Chinese gymnast! She was cute enough to sing but this little pixie could also tumble! Surely she was destined to be my favorite athlete of the games and I looked forward to her post gold medal winning popular recording album and cinematic career. Then the screen flashed her age, 16, and I let out a hearty guffaw, for clearly this was some sort of jest as she was no more 16 than I was French.
I was tickled to find out later that it was not a mere error but in fact another concerted effort on the part of the Chinese to perpetrate fraud! How fantastic. I do so admire the Chinese for trammeling all over such outdated and puerile notions of "morality" and "good taste". They are becoming more American by the day are they not? It seems as though there is some ridiculous rule that bars children under the age of 16 from competing. What does a state do if their best gymnasts have just only turned 14? Meekly acquiesce and wait for the next Olympics?
No! The courageous state gets to work forging passports! I dare say some weaker, effete states like Switzerland might simply say, "Let's put our best athletes forward in the spirit of fair competition."
It is no wonder that such loser nations have never put forth a great head of state like Mao, and never known the joy of crushing millions and being hated. Praise to the Chinese for forging forward and ignoring such simplistic and pathetic notions! If a little girl has to be sacrificed for the good of the state than so be it! They may shed a tear or two, but those crystalline drops on their cheeks will capture the reflection of the gold medals around their necks so nicely no?
I do admit I shed a tear or two myself when I think of the Olympiad, and how pathetic the British are. And when I think of our little girls, and our women, and how absolutely unappealing they are at any age...Posh Spice?? That is what passes for an attractive but untalented songstress in Britain these days?? I think that cute little Chinese 9 year old weighs more than Posh, and is no doubt better educated. I dare say it is no wonder that I pretend to be Canadian sometimes.
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